


billboard of lights

by hubristic



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Confessions, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humorous, Jeno is tired, M/M, and luckily, jaemin loves jeno a lot, jeno loves jaemin a lot too, the other dreamies appear for like one second, well ig it's also
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 13:23:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18477106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hubristic/pseuds/hubristic
Summary: he makes a mental note to never trust anyone who doesn’t like snapple caps.





	billboard of lights

**Author's Note:**

> omg my first nomin fic yay! except not yay bc it's unedited and starts out like? humorous ig and then it just goes straight to angst skdjdksk n e ways

jaemin is on a date.

physically, at least. mentally, he’s retreated to somewhere else, god knows where, because he truly doesn’t understand how one person can be so  _ boring _ .

every time he’s ever heard renjun whine,  _ i’m bored,  _ jaemin’s been quick to reply with,  _ only boring people get bored injun,  _ and jaemin isn’t boring. he’s not. but his date is.  _ oh my god, is it contagious? _

he feels bad for thinking negatively about the person sitting across from him but  _ truly,  _ someone shouldn’t be able to talk about a bottle cap collection for so long. someone shouldn’t want to. and in the bottle caps’ defense, it most likely wouldn’t be as boring if he learned how to be more animated. or incorporate some level of interaction in his monologue. jaemin scores his presentation as calculus on the scale of lecture that’s hardest to listen to (physics), to lecture he’s five minutes early to every monday and wednesday because he’s so excited for class (studies of latin america). calculus is slightly higher than physics. anything is better than physics.

his phone buzzes. he reaches for his phone in his pocket when he remembers garrett sitting in front of him. he probably won’t notice, jaemin reasons. he’s in the middle of talking about the atrocity that is snapple caps because they allegedly mess with the fundamental aesthetic of bottle caps. jaemin personally thinks those are the best. the facts are cute. they’re the drink version of laffy taffy wrappers. he makes a mental note to never trust anyone who doesn’t like snapple caps.

he's cute too. what a loss. he's almost too hot, really. jaemin should've known it was too good to be true.

**hyuckie <3**

how’s it going

**nana <3**

it’s going well hahah

**hyuckie <3**

bitch

did you just lie to my face

**nana <3**

i’m texting you at the table

he hasn’t even noticed

i think he wouldn’t even notice if i got up and left

 

**hyuckie <3**

sjdkfsdjlf rip

want an Intervention™

**nana <3**

is it bad that i’m actually considering it?

**hyuckie <3**

no

i’m a slut for drama

sorry that was injunnie

**nana <3**

no it wasn’t

**hyuckie <3**

no it wasn’t

be there in three

**nana <3**

don’t you live fifteen minutes away?

wait

how do you know where i am?

donghyuck doesn’t respond.  _ okay.  _ it’s not too hard to figure out actually. jaemin told jeno, and jeno can’t keep secrets to save his life.

now to deal with garrett. because he doesn’t really want his friends to make a scene. garrett isn't mean or anything, just socially inept and boring. as boring as he is and all the time he caused jaemin to waste on him (he was much more interesting over tinder (and it was only three days)), he doesn’t deserve a donghyuck who hasn't had anything interesting happen to him in four days, and who's desperate for something _ to _ happen.

jaemin looks up. he takes it all back. animation is so much worse.

he’s gesticulating and he’s talking with food in his mouth, passionately at that, causing a stray crumb to fall on his lap. he pinches it between his fingers and eats it. he’s using a greasy thumb to scroll through his what seems to be his camera roll, purely consisting of photos of bottle caps. to say the very least, if his friends weren’t ending this date, he was. three minutes was too long.

“um, garrett,” jaemin begins.

he’s still talking. jaemin chooses to believe that he just didn’t hear him.

“garrett,” jaemin says louder, more assertively, and more importantly, cutting garrett off. garrett blinks as if remembering he isn’t alone. “hi. hello. so um, this has been… a time.” he had to stop himself from saying a fucking long and boring ass lecture. “it’s - been a time. i -"  _ had a good time hearing  _ " - heard about your bottle cap collection. also, the likelihood of my friends bursting through the door at any moment is very high. so i have to go.”

“you told them about me?”

“uhhh, sure.” a voice that sounds distinctly like chenle sings  _ usher, usher  _ in his mind.

garrett winks. “all good things i hope.”  _ god. _

jaemin smacks his hands on the edge of the table. “alrighty. well i have to go. i saw you.” jaemin says, getting up and pushing his chair in. “sorry i didn’t give you more notice. i hope you find the bottle cap of your dreams.”

as jaemin is walking away garrett calls, “don’t you mean ‘it was nice seeing you’?”

“no!” he calls cheerily over his shoulder, catching sight of his friends practically tripping over each other. tinder dates could be fun if you made them. jaemin’s decided that  _ he _ isn’t a boring person. it was all garrett.

he pushes the door open.

“and then we'll pour wine over his head,” donghyuck says.

jisung cocks his head to the side. “but why -”

“ _ because.  _ god jisung, it’s like you’ve never watched a drama or comedy in your entire life. _ ” _ donghyuck says sharply, as if it's the answer to everything. which apparently it is, because jisung shrugs and says nothing.

“guys,” jaemin says. he places a hand on renjun's shoulder.

jaemin only feels a slight guilt when renjun jumps hard enough that his head hits jisung’s chin. “jesus,” jisung hisses, holding onto the bottom of his jaw, the other arm cupping the back of his neck, strained from being snapped back so suddenly. renjun couches to the ground, cupping the top of his head, muttering in chinese, and from the look on chenle’s face, nothing good.

jisung immediately turns to donghyuck, rubbing his chin. “does this mean we don't have to pour wine over jaemin’s head?”

donghyuck sighs and doesn't reply. jaemin gets it.

he blinks.

“where's jeno?”

and that's all it takes for renjun to spring up from the ground and his friends to begin speaking over one another, their voices getting louder with every passing second.

“i  _ told  _ you -”

“you said  _ two minutes  _ -”

“i was the closest guess _i think_ -”

“i didn't even notice jeno wasn't here -”

“i said forty five seconds so suck my -”

“jisung what the fuck?”

“i said thirty seconds so i win!”

chenle smiles cheekily and renjun punches his shoulder.

jaemin doesn't even want to know (he does, actually but there are more pressing matters). “okay, well, that's great for you but where is he?”

“moping.”

“crying.”

“being annoying as always.”

“wait, guys, didn't he say not to tell him?”

“jisung i swear to  _ god. _ ”

 

in jaemin's defense, he thought renjun was joking about jeno crying. hoping.

so he's trying really hard to convince himself that when he bursts into their apartment to find jeno laying on the couch, staring at the wall with a blank, tired face, jeno hasn't been crying the whole time he's been gone.  _ why didn't he call? why didn't he ask me to come home? what happened? how long has he been crying? has he eaten - _

he looks exhausted. empty. it's kind of… scary. “jeno…” jaemin says.

jeno sits up. his orange hood nearly slides off his head, so he readjusts his sweater, eyes dazed and lips slightly wet and parted. “jaem.” he breathes in raggedly, as if something in his chest had been shaken loose.

he takes small, cautious steps towards jeno, who's trying his best to not look like he's been crying, running his sweater covered palms over his face. but his face is puffy and blotchy, and his lips are swollen. he sniffles softly.

“baby, what's wrong?” jeno doesn't respond. can't respond. “baby?”

jeno pulls on the drawstrings of his hoodie to cover his face, but the edges of his hood get caught around the corners of his glasses. and that was apparently the last straw.

his face crumples.

“jeno -”

he opens his mouth and the cry that leaves his lips startles both of them. his shaking hand clamps over his mouth and he hunches over, curling inwards, into himself. a high pitched whimper seeps through his fingers and he chokes on a sob.

jaemin places a hand on his shoulder. and jeno:

jeno begins wailing. honest to god wailing. and jaemin feels something inside of him break. his heart. his heart tended to rely on jeno just a little too much.

jeno stretches his arms up, almost like a child asking to be carried. jeno has never looked quite so small.

jaemin tugs jeno close, letting him press his face against his abdomen and wrap his arms around his waist. jeno's shoulders heave. his entire body trembles. he hiccups and digs his fingers into the flesh of jaemin's lower back. there's not much more that jaemin can do than rub his back and quietly hush him, whispering that everything will be okay.

he  _ wants  _ everything to be okay. but he doesn't even know what's wrong and if it  _ can _ be fixed - be made okay. for someone who cries so much, jeno tends to hold everything that matters inside until the dam within him breaks, and it comes out all at once in a near overwhelming current.

his cries halt abruptly. he draws in a deep breath and jaemin can't feel the heat of his breath seeping through his shirt anymore. but he continues tracing circles on his back, over the wings of his shoulder blades and down the small rise and fall of the knobs of his spine.

jeno tugs himself from jaemin. “jeno.” his wet eyelashes are clumped together.

“jaemin.” he rests his thumbs against the juncture of his jaw and his index finger presses against his pulse points.

jeno's eyes water once again but he takes a shaky breath once more to compose himself. “i'm sorry.”

jaemin runs his thumb over the smooth skin of his cheek. “you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“no you don't -” jeno whispers, “you don't understand. my day wasn't even that bad - i mean it -  _ was _ , but - but it - it  _ wasn't,  _ and i'm just so _ weak  _ -”

“jen -"

“wait. no, just - let me -.” jeno gives jaemin a resolved look. jaemin nods, but he wishes jeno understood that having a bad day doesn't mean he's weak. he wishes he knew that he doesn't always have to be okay. he wishes jeno let him hold him earlier. jeno continues.

“i forgot to study for nutrition and you  _ know  _ how hard those tests are.” jeno wipes the snot running from his nose with the back of his hand.  “and then i got myself an ice cream cone at the creamery to like, cheer myself up, but i'm so  _ stupid  _ and  _ useless _ that i _ dropped  _ it and it's  _ ice cream  _ so it doesn't even matter but it  _ matters _ \- and we had a pop quiz in my other fucking class about last class which i  _ missed  _ and i got no sleep last night, so i have a migraine.” jaemin shifts his fingers so that his thumbs are pressed to jeno's temples and rubs them gently, knowing that his sobs are probably making the throb of his heart inside head worse. the soft pads of jaemin's fingers provide the closest thing to relief jeno will get - they don't do much, he can’t do much. it's the comfort that they bring that makes his migraines bearable.

“and the crying is making it so much worse, but  _ i can't fucking stop crying, _ and i'm just so tired _ \-  _ i'm so - i'm so -” he hiccups and gasps for air, “-  _ tired  _ and i wanna sleep but i  _ can't _ \- and i wanted to come home and cuddle, but you were  _ gone  _ and i forgot that you had a date today and it just - it fucking  _ sucks  _ and it made everything so… so - so much  _ worse  _ \- not that it's your fault, because it could never be your fault and -” his words stop but his soft weeping grew as he spoke and he's lost in another bout of heaving sobs.

jaemin grabs one of his hands, only registering a moment later that it's the one he just used to wipe his nose, but he doesn’t care. he really, really doesn’t. the thought lingers a second longer before it's gone.

“and i'm just to tired of everything, i'm tired of failing my classes, and i'm tired of not being able to do  _ shit. _ i'm tired of so, so much.” he pauses. “i’m tired.” defeated is left unspoken.

jaemin sits on the couch next to jeno and pulls one of his legs over his lap so that jeno's entire body is pressed against jaemin. jaemin lets jeno do the rest - jeno pushes his other knee against the back cushion of the couch and wraps his arms around jaemin's ribs and tucks his face into the crook of jaemin's neck.

jaemin feels: warm. jeno finally, finally feels: warm, safe.

"you're allowed to feel upset jeno," jaemin says. he punctuates his sentence by pressing a kiss to the spot where jeno’s hood covers his ear. "don't discredit, or like, invalidate yourself. you’re not stupid or useless, baby. you don’t have to ace every test, and like you said, those tests are hard. i’ve seen your grades, jeno. you can afford this one bad score and you can always make it up with other scores and extra credit.” another kiss.

“and you have chem after, right?” jeno nods. “i know for a  _ fact  _ that you’re doyoung’s favorite. i also happen to know that it’s a fact that if you ask him to let you retake the quiz, he will.” another kiss.

jeno huffs through his nose, the soft air brushing jaemin’s neck. “everyone knows that. ”

“see? and you know what else? tomorrow we can walk down right to the creamery and i’ll buy you  _ two  _ cones. one to make up for today’s and another to make up for dragging you back.” another kiss. “and i can’t take away your migraine.” another kiss. “but i wish i could.” another kiss. "and i'm sorry i wasn't here for you. you’re so much more important than any date.”

he pushes himself back enough to take jeno’s face in his hands again. jeno’s eyes are teary and jaemin can feel his own eyes stinging. jeno laughs wetly and takes jaemin’s face in his own hands, fingers splayed awkwardly against the sides of his face. he speaks again with a lump in his throat. “jeno - you’re so important to me. you’re so important. i love you so much.”

jeno’s brows draw inwards in an effort to keep him from crying again. "please don't."

"what?"

jeno grabs jaemin's hands and moves them from his face. he lets go. "god - jaemin - you don't even get it. just please stop. please don't say that," jeno says. then he's withdrawing himself, and curls up against the other side of the couch, as far from jaemin as he can physically get without getting up.

_ is he saying - _ jaemin kind of wants to be wrong. he's also kind of frustrated. "say what? 'i love you'? jeno i can't  _ not _ -"

jeno is tired of running, hiding. jeno is tired. "i used to think we were dating." jaemin pauses.

he almost doesn't want to believe it was jeno. it couldn't have been jeno. it couldn’t have been jeno who just told him that he  _ used to think that we were dating.  _ there are too many implications that jaemin doesn’t want to think about.

but it  _ has  _ to have been jeno because it's jeno who looks absolutely  _ terrified _ . it's jeno whose nails are being bitten down to the flesh of his nail beds. it's jeno whose eyes are frantically darting across jaemin's face, looking,  _ searching. _ if there's one thing in this world that jaemin knows it's everything jeno. jeno's voice, jeno's laugh, jeno's smile, jeno's habits, his mind. he’s supposed to know, how did he not know  _ this _ ?

"i used to think we were dating. during freshman year. but then you came home that one day and then you told me you had a date with yukhei of all people and i was so confused and  _ lost  _ and i didn't know how to talk to you about it. then i realized that there was nothing to even talk about because everything had only been in my head, everything was just  _ in my head  _ except for how i felt, how i  _ feel _ , and i never stopped feeling that way and i still  _ want you  _ but you," jeno's voice cracks, his voice dipping into a whisper. "you love me. i know that. i love you, in the same way. but i also love you how like, like -” jeno flounders. “like how doyoung loves jaehyun. and - and how mark loves donghyuck. i love you in a way that makes me want to spend forever with you.”

jaemin stops. and he wishes everything else stopped, that the world stopped because it's moving too quickly without him and he  _ needs _ to  _ think. _

fuck.

_ fuck. _

he remembers that day, actually. yukhei asked him out to the local fair after their music theory final, and he felt so  _ elated _ that he ran to tell jeno. because he has always wanted to share his happiness with him. but jeno was quiet that day. he wasn't withdrawn, really. he smiled and talked just as much as always, maybe even a little bit more. but. it was as if a small light in him dimmed, went out. jaemin didn't notice against the rest of the billboard of lights within him.

and he doesn’t know what to say because he understands exactly where jeno is coming from. they don’t act like friends. they’ve never been  _ just friends _ , or, never acted like it, at least. because jaemin is the one who turned them into that. just friends. jaemin is the one who closed himself off from jeno because jeno was  _ bright  _ and  _ beautiful  _ and  _ smart  _ and everything that jaemin wasn’t, isn’t. because he took the decision out of jeno’s hands when it should’ve been shared.

jeno doesn’t cry again; jaemin can see his nails digging into the flesh of his legs, grounding him. “today was made worse because you were gone. i remember what it feels like when i thought…”  jeno smiles, but there’s no joy behind it, in his eyes. “and it sucks. it fucking sucks.”

jaemin doesn’t know what to say except “i’m sorry.”

“don’t be,” jeno says. his grip tightens and jaemin gets up to pry his hands off before he hurts himself. jeno watches, tired, as jaemin intertwines their fingers and his eyes remain on their joined hands.

“i am. if i hadn’t spend the entirety of the past three years trying to stop being in love you, today might’ve been just a little bit better.”

jeno is beautiful. his eyelashes flutter as he looks up at jaemin and his lips part, soft. pink. kissable. the hollows of his cheeks are a little less defined from the swell of sleep and tears but it doesn’t change a thing. jeno is beautiful. “you love me?” he swallows. “you’re in love with me?”

“yeah,” jaemin says, “yeah i’m in love with you."

it was simple. the world didn't end, jeno isn't walking away, and jaemin can breathe.

jaemin knows jeno's questions before he asks. "i thought you didn't want me like that. i thought that you would never even look at me, i guess. you know, in that way." he squeezes jeno's hands. "so i wanted to get over you, by going on all those dates. it's dumb, and cliche, i know. but it's the only way i could deal with it, i guess."

jeno squeezes back. "how could i not be totally in love with you?"

 

they retreat into their bedroom, to jaemin's bed. only once they've tucked each other under the covers, and one of jeno's legs is thrown across jaemin's and jaemin's arms are wrapped around his torso, and jaemin has pressed a feather light kiss to jeno's lips he asks, "how's your migraine?"

"still a migraine." he goes silent, and then, "but my day is better though.

and jaemin kisses him once more, because he can.

 

/

 

jaemin laughs, choking on his ice cream.

jeno smiles, not really knowing why. "what?"

"lol you really said 'like how doyoung loves jaehyun and how mark loves donghyuck' you're so dramatic," jaemin teases.

jeno punches his shoulder. "i hate you. and if you ever say lol out loud again, we're breaking up." 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr!   
> [skz](https://yangsjeongin.tumblr.com)  
> [bts](https://parkjiimn.tumblr.com)  
> [nct](https://dvngsicheng.tumblr.com)
> 
> comments and kudos are v much appreciated!


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